Art Heaven 2005 Alex Nodopaka

Art Rules


1. When depicting a landscape, a Chinese 
painter must include a single human
figure, barely detectible by the eye, or, 
on rare occasions, two. This demonstrates
the significance of man, as opposed to nature.

2. Animals may be included when depicting 
the Holy Mother. However, if a monkey 
appears he must be chained, and under no 
circumstances may the artist include a cat.

3. When a quilt or rug nears perfect 
completion it is advisable to create 
a flaw, this signifying human humility 
and failure to any spirit or power, benign
or otherwise. This tradition is common 
to Native Americans, the Amish, Middle 
Eastern Nomadic peoples, and Arachne 
(should she get another chance).

4. Extremely complicated rules exist 
regarding the depiction of saints 
in association with the instruments 
of their martyrdom. One would not,
for example, depict St. Lawrence transfixed
with arrows nor St. Sebastian on a grill 
(however, one might do so if careful study
revealed multiple episodes of near-decease,
as in the case of the non-saint Rasputin.)

a. Care must be taken lest St. Lucy’s 
enucleated eyes appear to be walnuts 
or St. Barbara’s breasts be confused 
with muffins or hot-cross buns. 

b. Similar attention must be paid
when depicting certain African 
and Buddhist deities. Westerners 
are often unaware of such mistakes. 

5. When depicting Hell it is helpful to depict
Heaven, or, in the case of Buddhist renditions,
Nirvana. This is not as interesting 
for the artist, nor the viewer, 
but may provide some insomnia relief. 


c2005 Kelley White